P2YL | 25. Things I do differently second time around

I am writing this in the members' lounge of a flying club.

Sprawled around on the leather Chesterfields are men — mostly — of varying ages who are either in the process of acquiring a pilot's licence, or training others to acquire one.

I don't fit either of these categories so what am I doing here?

This is one of the things I'm choosing to do differently in Part 2 Of My (Love?) Life.

What happened in Part 1

I was married first to a man who, several years after we got married, developed a passion for sailing. Not the gentle cruising type, but full-on ocean-racing, requiring yacht-master training and qualifications.

I, on the other hand, couldn't swim, was not surprisingly fearful of deep water, prone to seasickness, and am miserable when cold and wet.

So sailing wasn't for me but I had no problem with him taking time out to pursue his new interest at a sailing club on the coast.

It didn't occur to me not to trust him and I knew if I tagged along with a brave face I would simply be a drag on him.

Whenever he was off for a few days' sailing I got busy with my own interests, and loved hearing about his experiences when he came home.

Unfortunately some of these experiences included ones he wasn’t telling me about: he began an affair with a woman, also married, at the yacht club and ultimately left me for her.

Making Part 2 different

Fast forward all these years and now that I am in a new marriage, I find myself handling my husband's individual interests slightly differently.

He is learning to fly and I go with him regularly to the flying club, making myself at home in the clubhouse while he's up in the skies.

'It's good for a man to have a hobby...but I do draw the line at other women'

Please don't misunderstand me.

I'm not saying for one instant that someone is justified in cheating on their partner if that partner doesn't share every single flippin' one of their interests.

There are no excuses. Any grown-up man worthy of the name shouldn't need to be followed around by his wife in order for him to be able to keep his trousers on.

Neither am I saying you have to share exactly the same interests for a successful marriage.

I look around me and I see contented couples with different interests every day of the week.

Being able to love only a carbon-copy of yourself is narcissism, not love.

A new way of giving

But you know all that stuff about 'love languages'?

What I've learnt with the benefit of experience is that taking an interest in some of a partner's pastimes is one way of giving to the marriage, a sort of love language you can choose to try out.

Some activities will prove a dead end (I hated every minute of watching live rugby) but this time round I'm more open to trying things my partner likes and then continuing if there's a spark of interest.

It's a way of consolidating and enriching our marriage, and that's healthy for both it and us.

And of course it needs to be reciprocal.

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